The Lost Identity of Alice
by roseusvortex
Summary: Alice...do you remember who you are? Do you remember anything? I guess not...they never really do remember.
1. Chapter 1

**So, I actually started writing this around 4am...I finished the first draft around 5am. This is my 5am opinion of an okay story, lol. I think maybe it ended too quickly? Was it rushed?  
**

 **This written for the Writing Theme Challenge over at Hostile Takeover Forum! The Theme was; Identity.  
**

 **Sorry for any grammar errors! And I hope you all will enjoy! :3  
**

* * *

She was falling, falling, and falling.

It was like the endless tunnel would never stop, as the dirt wall around her morphed slowly into darkness. Then, suddenly, she was no longer falling, just floating in a darkness that was like the night sky without the comforting presence of any moon or stars.

An empty state of silence.

Was she dreaming? Was this a dream of wonder such like the ones she often had? Did she have dreams like that?

The young girl held out her hand silently to the blank darkness, and she saw a flicker. Straining forward, she reached out her hand further and further.

Because, maybe, just maybe, if she reached far enough, she would reach the stars. Surely there were stars in this world, right?

"Who are you?"

The voice was gruff and unfriendly. She turned and saw a whisper of smoke float before her eyes, "I-..."

The young girl paused, "I-...I am not sure who I am.

There was silence before the gruff voice returned and snapped irritably, "You have to be someone."

Slightly miffed at the stranger's tone, she replied, "Well, I am sure I _am_ someone."

"Then who are you?"

Again, the girl paused, quite disturbed with her lack of knowledge about, well, anything at the moment. "I can't seem to recall."

Snort. "Hah. You can't seem to remember. I guess that is a hint to leave."

"No, wait!" The girl darted forward, grasping empty air in an attempt to stop the mysterious voice from leaving, but the smoke merely faded away.

She puffed out a breath, blowing away a strand of golden blonde hair that had fallen out of her white bow that was tied in a stylish manner in her hair. "He was _rude."  
_

"He is always rude. I'll never understand him."

It was another voice, another man's voice, slightly deeper, with warmth, it made her feel...safe. "Who are you?" She glanced around, but there was nothing except endless nothingness spread out around her.

The voice replied, almost sounding sad, "You don't remember?"

Before answering that question, she thought, desperately searching through anything in her mind. What did she remember? Tea cups, a pretty garden, there was a young women...a servant? Or perhaps, family? Sibling?

"No..."

"What do you remember?"

"I don't believe I remember anything particularly useful at the moment." She replied honestly.

"Everything is useful to remember. If it wasn't, then everyone would be in big trouble, wouldn't they?"

"I guess so..." Her mind wasn't really up to questioning the logic of this mad man. "It would be useful to know your name..."

"My name? Oh, I doubt it. I hardly remember it myself, Alice."

"Alice?" She tilted her head, "Is that my name?"

"Why are you asking _me?_ Isn't it _your_ name?"

"Yes, but I don't really recall my own name..."

"Then call yourself what you would like, m'dear. There is no one to stop you."

The young girl shifted her stance, ignoring the fact that she was standing on absolutely nothing, there was still just darkness surrounding her. "Has anyone ever told you that you are quite maddening?"

"I believe there was one girl...once...or was it a rabbit? I forget. What was her name? Tillie? Lacie? No, no, maybe Alice?"

"My name?"

"Oh, you finally remembered your name?"

"No, I just assumed that-?"

"Assuming isn't good. Very bad. I once knew a Knave who once assumed that a batch of fresh tarts was meant for him."

"What happened to him?"

The voice sighed, "Something extremely unpleasant, I'm afraid."

Alice-or so she thought her name was-asked, "Are you ever going to tell me where I am?"

"You never asked." The voice replied, quite miffed.

"Where am I, then?"

The voice cheerfully annouced, "Wonderland!"

Alice glanced around for the second time. Why did that name sound so familiar? "I really don't see what is so wondrous about it. All I can see is darkness, I can't even see your face."

"That is _your_ problem, isn't it?"

"You are very maddening."

"Off with her head."

"What?"

Alice could tell the mad man was smiling in his reply, "I just thought it might make you remember. It helps me to remember what time to prepare my early morning tea party."

"You have early morning tea parties?"

"Yes, you must come sometime, I do love visitors."

Once again, Alice looked around, twirling in a circle, holding out her hand, hoping to touch, for just a second, whoever was speaking. "Where are you?"

"In your head, Lacie."

"What?"

"I'm in your head."

Alice stayed silent, processing this new information. "So, you aren't real?"

"Who said I wasn't real?"

"Well, you _are_ in my head."

"And that makes me not real? You are a rude little girl."

She brushed back her hair, slightly disturbed, "I am not rude. At least I try not to be. Why did you call me Lacie?"

"That is your name, right? Or is it Tillie? I can't quite remember. Would you like some tea?"

"I've never offered tea to myself before."

"There is always a first for everything, you know."

Alice tilted her head, and sighed. Whoever this person was, he was _maddening._

"You poor girl...This is the lost Wonderland."

That caught her attention, finally this mad voice was giving a proper answer. "Lost? What makes it lost?"

The voice paused, as if sipping tea, "What makes anything lost? Lot's of things. This is about names. To be more specific, for the people who have lost their names."

Alice froze, for some reason, an ice cold touch was slowing twisting in her heart, whether it was pain or fear, she didn't know. "What do you mean?"

"Do you know who I am?"

"I would _appreciate it_ if you didn't change the subject!"

The mad man ignored Alice's outburst as if it was nothing, " I never changed the subject. I merely asked a question that was part of the subject. You don't, do you? Remember anything about Wonderland?

"I-..."

What did she remember?

Smoke...cricket...caterpillars...a white rabbit. What were these strange memories?

"I remember...some things."

"Yes, yes..." The man waved her off rather dismissively, "They _all_ remember some of everything, but do you remember who you are?"

"I-I..."

A tear slowly fell down the young girl's cheek as she stared blankly into the dark abyss, trying and trying to remember something. She reached up to wipe away the tear shakily, "I don't understand."

"Basically, my dear, Millie. You are a lost Wonderlander now. You have lost your very existence, your very identity, that thing that makes you, _you_ are gone."

 _I don't understand.  
_

One hand gripped at the ends of her dress, as she twisted it in her hands. What was this voice telling her? And why was she blocking it away?

How am I stuck in this maddening world of nothingness?

The voice spoke, cheerfull, as if not ever noticing her inner conflict, "Hey, Alice, how is raven like a writing desk?"

"What?"

"Since you are going to be here for awhile, how about some riddles?"

 _I don't understand any of this._


	2. Chapter 2

**hmm, didn't expect to be posting another chap. Well, hope everyone enjoys.**

 **Reviews? :3**

* * *

The time she had spent in this _empty_ place seemed like hours, days, weeks, months...

Because there was merely nothing.

"Where are you going?"

Alice was walking, taking each step timidly and slowly, as if she was afraid that if she stopped moving that she might simply _fall._ Nothing had changed, there was absolutely nothing to see or to even think about. This was _terrible_

What else was she supposed to do except walk? Did it matter where? There was only thing that Alice knew, no matter what... she had to keep moving.

"It's a bit late to start ignoring me now, you know..."

Alice replied, "I wasn't ignoring you. I was thinking."

"Don't think. Thinking leads to madness. Do you want to go mad?"

"No..."

The voice slowly repeated again. "Where are you going?"

Alice tapped her hand against her blue dress in a bored manner. "I don't know."

"Then you shouldn't be walking." It scoffed at her.

"I have this strange feeling...that if I continue to walk, that I might eventually end up somewhere."

"Oh? Someone is surprisingly optimistic."

She shrugged. "What else can I do?"

"Jump?" The mad man offered suggestions in a rather, hopeful tone, "Dance? Scream madly?"

"Why on earth would I do any of those things?"

"I personally would suggest the screaming. It would help."

Alice frowned at, well, the general direction of where the voice. "It wouldn't help with anything, it will just give me a sore throat."

"It would help." The voice persisted in telling her. "Have you ever imagined what it would be like to scream as loudly as you could? You could shatter your own mind by the intensity of your thoughts being let loose into the this vast empty space. Madness would never stay in your head, it would simply fade into the sky."

"Are you trying to keep me from becoming mad?"

"Of course. You wouldn't want to end up like me, would you?"

"No...I guess not..."

"I tip my hat to you, m'dear. I am afraid we must part."

Alice twisted around, stumbling in her rush. "What?! No! You can't leave!"

There was just silence.

Alice stood there, arms hanging limply by her side. "...Don't go...please...one could go mad in here..."

A different, younger, bright voice spoke up this time, "I agree. One could go mad."

She looked around in a circle, looking for the voice. This time, a strange voice coming out of nowhere didn't startle her like it did earlier.

"Are you in my head too?"

"Yes, I supposed I am."

"What is your name? Or have you forgotten it as well?"

"I've never forgotten my name, nobody has ever forgotten their name in this place. It is you who has forgotten."

"...You are strangely energetic for being in such gloomy place."

"Thank you. I take that as a compliment."

Alice sighed. Why was any conversatiom she started end up so random?

"My name Alice, well, at least I believe my name is Alice. What is yours?"

"Mine? You can call me Cheshire."

 _Cheshire..._

Memories flickered through her mind, blurring in a rush as it all mixed in her head. With a sharp gasp she stumbled forward, touching her head in an attempt to calm the painful shock.

 _Teacups, hats, furry cat, a wide grin...  
_

"Are you okay?"

Alice gripped her hair painfully to distract herself from the sudden pain. "Just a small headache."

"Hmm..."

After a few minutes of calmly taking deep breaths, she finally felt ready to continue walking forward. "Can you tell me anything about this place, Cheshire?"

"Depends. What would you like to know?"

She shrugged, "Anything that would help me, I suppose."

"How should I do that?" The voice sounded interested, as if it didn't know quite what to make of her. "What makes you think I have anything that will help you? You are the only one who can help yourself now."

"What do you mean?"

"Only you can wake up yourself up, Alice."

Alice tilted her head back in thought, she didn't know when she had gone to sleep. "But, I've been here for a long time. Since I haven't awoken myself yet, shouldn't I wait till someone wakes me up?"

The voice scolded her this time. "You are assuming that this is a normal dream."

"It isn't?"

"When Wonderland is involved, nothing is a normal dream."

"Oh, I don't really know what I should do then..."

Alice slowed to a halt and stood silently, hoping that she wouldn't slip through the grasp of this gloomy world. Or was it a gloomy dream?

"Why did you stop?"

Once again, the young girl tried to hold in her tears. "Because, I have no idea where I am going."

"Nobody knows where they are going. Isn't that just magical? Because, they always seem to end up where they were meant to be."

To her joy and slight amusement, she realized that the strange voice was trying to cheer her up. "I suppose..."

"Remember what you told the other voice? 'Keep walking and you are bound to end up somewhere'. Do you remember who told you that?"

Alice tapped the side of head, humming to herself as she searched for the answer. "A...cat?"

"Very good."

"I had a cat? Oh! Yes, yes, I did... Oh, what was her name? She was a lovely cat."

"That is very good. You are on your way to waking yourself."

"When can I wake up?" Alice couldn't keep the faint note of desperation out of her voice.

"As soon as you can hear _her_ calling your name, Alice. Someone, right now, is calling your name. And you are too stubborn to realize she is calling, so much that you have hidden yourself in a dark fantasy."

She strained her ears listening, wondering if what Cheshire said was true. Was someone calling for her?

There was silence.

"...I think you are just as mad as the last voice that spoke to me..."

"Oh, Alice, we are all mad here."


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm thinking this will be...hmm...four chapters before wrapping it up. Mad Hatter will appear in the next chap.**

 **Also, if you can, please check out; 'Delusions and Reality' by autumm-hunter. It is AIW fanfic, absolutely lovely. If you like this story, you will adore it!  
**

 **Please review!  
**

* * *

The mind was like being lost inside a large, dark, dark room.

Being lost in the dark was frightening, because you never knew if anyone would ever find you, if a small speck of light would ever come towards you, if anyone would ever think of finding you.

You would just be too narrow-minded and stubborn to actually see the light, and that is what was frightening.

Being stubborn.

Alice never thought of herself as stubborn, she always thought she was open-minded, could accept inpossible things, imagined inpossible things.

But now, a stranger was telling her that she was too stubborn.

That made her annoyed at the stranger, because now, she feared that there wasn't way she could ever leave this...place.

Cheshire softly spoke, breaking the silence, "Are you upset with me?"

For a moment Alice considered throwing a tantrum, showing how confused and upset he had made her, but instead she reluctantly replied, "No... just annoyed at everything."

Cheshire replied, "At everything? You are surrounded by nothing, yet you say you are annoyed at everything? Such a silly girl."

Alice snapped, irritated at the voice's teasing tone, "How am I a silly girl? You speak as if I am lucky, as if I am not stuck in this awful place! Why do you sound so...cheerful?"

There was long silence and for a moment Alice wondered, with a sick awful feeling settling in her heart, that maybe she went too far, maybe the voice had left, maybe the voice was gone, maybe she was alone...

Finally, after a few minutes of silence, Cheshire spoke again, "Alice... you have no idea how lucky you are."

After she had pushed away any feelings of her earlier annoyance, for she was afraid that if she spoke rudely again, the voice might take offense and leave her alone, Alice asked, "How am I lucky?"

"Because you have me, Alice. You have kept your sanity by talking to your friends, your friends from Wonderland. Most people that pass through here don't have this chance to speak. They are closed off, alone in this darkness with no one to help them. They slowly lose hope and go mad, the never return from the darkness because the never _see_ what light they had."

She thought about that for a moment, "So, I am lucky...because I went to Wonderland?"

"Yes, you are very special, Alice. Don't ever forget."

Once again Alice felt like she wanted to cry, nothing was making sense. She wanted to go ho-

Where was home?

Slowly, she asked, "Cheshire..."

"Yes?"

"Where is home?"

There was a pause before Cheshire started talking again, and she could tell that he was smiling at her, "Home is where one feels safe, where one feels loved and protected from all the dangers of the world."

Alice sighed, "That doesn't tell me _where_ it is."

"You assume it resides somewhere, when really, it isn't anywhere."

Alice didn't want to argue again with Cheshire, so she fell silent again, deciding it would be fun to twirl every few steps while walking.

"You are closer than you know..."

In mid-twirl, she stumbled at what Cheshire had just said, as casually as he had just been commenting on the weather.

"What?"

"You are almost there. I _am_ trying to help you, you know." He sounded defensive.

"Really? I hadn't noticed." She teased him, giggling.

" Why you little..." He sounded amused despite being teased, "... _darling."_

... and they fell into comfortable silence.

A sudden thought crossed Alice's mind, and she voiced it before she could stop herself, "Do many people escape from here?"

"Sometimes. But sometimes not... Depends if they truly understand what they left behind, if they have a pure heart, and the wishes of who they left behind."

"Did I leave someone behind?"

"Yes, I think you did. You spoke highly of her when you came to Wonderland all those years ago..."

 _Her...  
_

"Oh!" Alice leaned forward, grasping her head. There were memories, moments that flashed by in her head, faster than she could see.

 _A blonde women looking at her with wide eyes, mouthing her name over and over again._

 _Alice, Alice, Alice, Ali-  
_

"Alice!"

With a gasp she looked towards the sound of the voice, and for a moment she stared into the darkness, catching her breath.

"I..."

Chshire interrupted, "You saw something, didn't you? Was it one of your memories?"

"I wouldn't call it a memory...but I guess it was..."

Alice thought back to the memory, it hadn't been a terrible memory, but it certainly wasn't one she wanted to experience again.

The look in those woman's eyes...they were so frightened...

With a shiver she crossed her arms and stayed very still, because all of the sudden she didn't feel like walking anywhere.

Walking wasn't getting her anywhere. How does one get somewhere when they are nowhere?

"By walking extremely carefully."

Alice jumped, "How did yo-"

"Alice, we established that I am in your mind, correct?"

"Um, yes, we did bu-"

"Then I can see what you see, I can hear what you hear, and I know what you think."

Alice was growing more annoyed as the seconds went by. "Why did you ask me about my memories just a few minutes ago the ?"

It almost sounded like Cheshire was shrugging at her, while she wondered how she could tell what he was doing while speaking, he replied, "I thought it might make things less mad, I suppose..."

 _Alice...  
_

Again, Alice jumped, rather startled, she looked around with wide eyes, "Did you hear that?"

"Why are you asking me? The right question is; Do _you_ hear it?"

 _Alice...  
_

She turned around, looking eagerly into the darkness, "Yes, oh yes, I heard it! Where is it? Oh... is it in my head?"

Cheshire replied carefully, "I think it is more...someone telling you to get out your head."

"What?"

"Listen to the voice, Alice. Just listen."


End file.
